The mother's heart is the child's schoolroom ~ Henry Ward Beecher




The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children.~Jessica Lange




Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws.~Barbara Kingsolver



"just say yes- just say there's nothing is holding you back.."

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Your first day of 1st



Call me sentimental, call me silly... but weren't you just a little, tiny baby? Wasn't it just yesterday that you laid in my arms, fitting perfectly while you slept? And wasn't it just last week that you were learning to crawl across your bedroom floor? Where does the time go? -I know it couldn't of been that long ago that you couldn't reach the bathroom sink without my help....
And now look at you, my sweet big boy- you're starting first grade. How can you be this much bigger already?
As I said before, where did the time go?! It feels that only a short time ago you were my baby and you were still learning to talk and walk.... Sometimes and some days its so hard to see you as my big guy-- but hey, I am working on it.

I know I'm sappy and I hang on you just a moment to long as I kiss you before your class walks in-- but I also aware that soon there will be a time that I won't get those kisses at school at all anymore.
I see you go into your classroom and I'm full of loving pride and yet, there is this complete sadness. I want to hold onto you and keep you with me always.... but I can't... I have to start to be as brave as you are.... and let go just a tiny bit. I'm trying, everyday I try.... but its hard and I feel this overprotective streak come out. But I'm workin on it honey...
What helps me is our walk every morning to and from school, those moments are totally joyful and so beautiful for your ol' syrupy mom. You are my heart walking right out of my chest-- so I can't help but feel pain there when you aren't right next to me.... but everyday, baby... I am workin on it....

Monday, August 16, 2010

Homeward Bound


Finding the old saying “Home is where the heart is” was a practice in hard but real truths this summer. This journey has been both enlightening and extremely difficult as well. After my husband was laid off our situation changed drastically and we had to modify things very swiftly. We’ve always been a one income family with my job as a stay at home mom not paying what all of us mother’s would agree as a fair salary! My only income has been working for my sister caring for her kids or seasonal temp help around hubby’s schedule so the boys would never have to be in daycare. So with his earnings slowly trickling away after he was let go, we desperately looked for work but to no avail. We ended up having to put all of our belongings [that we didn’t sell] into storage and move into an extended stay hotel [thank goodness for unemployment!!]. It was a shock – a big one; we are actually ‘homeless’.
So thus began our expedition in finding our way back home. The most vital issue for Derek and I was making sure everything seemed ‘normal’ for the kids at every step. We never flipped out in front of them, trying not to make the move appear scary or as if it wasn’t just part of the plan all along. Each day has been a struggle but also a blessing as well. Our weeks have turned into months and we’ve discovered so many new things on our path.

With new challenges, each day Derek and I have created a fresh twist on life and we’ve all had to find the right course to make this work for us. With not much living space- the out of doors have become essential. Who knew there were so many recreation spots just in a 10 mile radius?! We’ve uncovered so many wonderful new parks it’s amazing! The boys have enjoyed this one spot the most that has a small lake, two huge playgrounds and basket ball courts to shoot hoops with Dada.


And I can’t believe how much I love the library all over again. I got caught up in the mundane, started bowing to the almighty television and really losing my love for books over the past few years. A brand new library opened up a few blocks from us and we were there only two days after its opening. The new books were pristine, dreamlike and endless- it was pure joy for all of us as we were almost running through the place gathering anything we could find. I’ve found such a center in reading again; it’s truly tranquil for me. And now programs that we have watched have been more family orientated and a time for us to laugh together and get close as we relax before bedtime. I think we’ve watched Mr. Mom and Willy Wonka a hundred times!


Cooking has had its ups and downs with what space we do have. I never thought I was ‘spoiled’ in having a dishwasher, disposal, some counter space or an oven but wow- I do now! I can’t believe how I took those things for granted before. But with that being said, with what we have here- we’ve created some great meals with a plug in cook top and microwave! It’s always interesting at dinner time here.



Our stay here has been fascinating as well, to say the least. Many men have commuted to Denver for work so they’re staying here for months until their jobs finish. These guys are in and out of the hotel at all hours and make a ton of racket- BUT for us that is a good thing; with two small kids, we don’t want to be the only noise makers! We’ve become friends with all the employees and chat with them often. I’ve never had the housekeeping clean for us except for new sheets and towels, the rest I still see that as ‘my job’. The small gym here has been magnificent and we use it almost daily, having another sacred point for reconnection to the hubby. It may sounds a bit silly or trite but I’m thankful for the xbox 360 [for the boys' games] on those days I needed more than a moment of peace and for our laptop and the free Internet; always keeping us connected to friends, family and to that job that Derek finally found.

We did find our new home last week and we’re moving this week so our oldest can start school next Monday [ugh, - sigh- public school… but that’s a whole different blog!]. We wanted to move to the other side of town, about 45 minutes away, to be nearer to my parents. During all of this upheaval and realization in our life, we learned that my mother’s health is faltering and her body isn’t accepting chemo anymore. So for us, the move closer to them was imperative.



This has been one of the hardest processes in my life. Making this transition seem ordinary for our boys was my main concern and although we’ve all struggled, I believe we’re better for it. My marriage is almost unrecognizable from what it was before and I’m beyond blissful for that. Derek being out of work was a blessing as well for he and the boys’ relationship is so much stronger, it’s just precious… as are most moments now spent together as a family.
I don’t think that had we lost so much, we might not have realized the abundance of what we really do have.

the boys in front of our new home--

*special thanks to my sister Melanie- without you I would burst... you are a gift to my head and my heart, I love you so very, very much. thank you for all that you've done.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Mom






"Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children."
--William Makepeace Thackeray



You are part of almost every thought, every memory, every breath of my life. All I know and have learned is somehow seven degrees away from what you've always told me-- making you right all along. You've made me stronger than I ever thought I could be and more secure with all of my silly characteristics and endeavors. I don't think I ever would of wanted children if it weren't for your example of real, unending and unselfish love. For me, you are the walking model and expression of what a woman, wife, mother and human being should strive to be. I love you mom -I am thankful for your life every single day of mine.



It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it. ~From the television show The Golden Girls

Sunday, May 16, 2010

sisters




Is solace anywhere more comforting than in the arms of a sister. ~Alice Walker

You can kid the world. But not your sister. ~Charlotte Gray

Sisters is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship. ~Margaret Mead

Sisters are different flowers from the same garden. ~Author Unknown

Sisterhood is powerful. ~Robin Morgan


Our roots say we're sisters, our hearts say we're friends. ~Author Unknown

You keep your past by having sisters. As you get older, they're the only ones who don't get bored if you talk about your memories. ~Deborah Moggach


She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. ~Barbara Alpert





Tuesday, April 27, 2010

- 4 years old -





Today you turn four, my lovable baby boy. Wasn’t it just a moment ago that I held you in my arms after the Dr.’s took you from my body? The second I saw your face and held you something in me said “I know you. I knew you’d be like this, I knew it”… for your heart matched mine. In the hospital the nurses against policy would let me hold you before I was to sleep late at night. When I was alone still recovering from surgery, you and I could just stare at one another for so long there in that dark room. I can remember every kick of your tiny feet within my belly as if it were yesterday. You were so big inside my tummy; pushing and stretching to make yourself room. Those hard kicks though tough, were joyous as I could feel you growing. Now I can watch you growing, becoming your own little person. Your sense of humor is a delight and contagious; your laughter gets Daddy every time, sending him into chuckles. I see my stubbornness in you too and it makes me giggle - with a touch of mommy annoyance. My baby, you recite lines from movies and shows just like me, your Dad and your Grandpa, its delectable. So many things I see in you are familiar and yet you are your own individual. We sit and listen with jubilation, to the sounds of you and your darling big brother in your rooms playing, wrestling, and being boys together. It makes me so happy to see how much you two love one another. You’re so strong and you make Daddy and me so proud with every song you sing, picture you color or book you love to share. I can’t help but feel weak with a tremendous sentimentality in your compassion for tiny bugs and how you always remember to say, “Excuse me.” Your constant need for cuddling and your wild, curly hair is all distinct to you baby, and we adore it. You are precious my love and I discover new things from you every single day. My dear Merek, you are pure joy. I wish everyone could see how at least once a day, you stop your activity so you can come over and gaze into my eyes. You smile awhile at me sweetly, as if to say, “I knew you’d be like this, mama.”

Happy Birthday baby, we love you so much.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

a new fight


I don't know where to start. When I think of ‘explaining' myself or my life I feel very angry and I want to yell at anyone who will stop and listen. But when I discontinue my bullshit- I remember how much I do need to open up and let some of this go -hence this post.......

As most of you know from earlier journals, my Mom has stage 4 colon cancer. She was operated on last year and had heavy doses of chemo up until the end of last year. The chemotherapy was running my Mom into the ground and with her cancer numbers down; the Drs finally thought it was a good time to stop or rather pause treatment. Since the cancer is stage 4 that means it has set up shop in other parts of my Mom's body, as in her lungs. Recently she's been coughing again, a lot. Hearing a once very healthy and still a vital person [in remission from breast cancer many, many years ago] - it is still hard to hear her catch her breath.

And so recently, my Mom's colonoscopy came back normal but her CAT scan did not. We just found out last week that her lungs look as they did before, almost if she hadn't had all that fucking chemo at all last year. Needless to say, it was a devastating blow- and that isn't even mentioning the spot on her liver that came up in the scan. The Dr isn't going to do a horrible surgery for the same outcome -she needs more chemo no matter what the results are, so let's not cut my poor Mom in half to double check.

They just started a new series of treatment. She has her chemo for a few hours then takes home her ‘bottle' which is attached to her port in her chest for another 24 hours of chemo. As always she is positive and yet painfully realistic. She said she knows there is no cure, she just wants to have more time.... Just typing this makes me feel like I can't breathe.... I have so much hate right now it's a constant battle not to let it overwhelm me. I am NOT ready for speeches on how to make my mood or outlook better. I know, I know.... - I must sound like a total bitch ...but I am hurting tremendously and it won't stop, the only time I hide it completely is in front of my mom and my kids ... but when I'm alone, I'm holding on to that anger....it's my protective armor.


written originally on 03/30/10

Saturday, April 24, 2010

50 Pounds later, Food and I broke up


50 Pounds


I think I got on the scale 3 or 4 times today to make sure I was reading the numbers right. I did it. I really did it. But how? How did I-- little old me, how did I loose 50 pounds?!?What?.... How can this be?... I love food--and I mean, I LOVE food. Up until recently, it was as if I was handcuffed to the clock, wondering when my next feeding was.

My mood or frame of mind could change with the idea or topic of what the subsequent meal was... well sometimes it still does excite me that much! My husband adores cooking and is fabulous at it; so when he says he's making his homemade refried beans and green chili- I'm instantly lighter, almost giddy. Oh my---isn't that sad? Ugh.. I feel silly saying that -but it's true. I've always been the one who is borderline, overly energized for birthday parties. Parties meant I get to eat cake-- ok forget the cake, I get to eat icing!!! So needless to say, but I'm a lick the bowl kind of gal. I grew up in a family that has desert at every meal for goodness sake. My family has eaten doughnuts or strudel as desert in the morning after having eggs, hash browns and sausage! Luckily, most of my family hasn't really ever had real concerns with weight. But for me, after but after babies and getting older, I can't eat like how I used to in my twenties.

Food has also been like a close friend to me as well. When I'm sad, chocolate has lent its beloved ear. Happiness has gone hand in hand with pizza for oh so many years. And mood swings along with hormones like clockwork, call out for late night bowls of cereal each month. I covered my pain with food and before I knew it I actually looked like what I ate; unhappy and unhealthy.

Nowadays I've since learned through my mom, my sister, my friends and wonderful Weight Watchers how to reward or console myself without food. It's remarkable how good it feels to put a new shirt in celebration - and not congratulate myself with three scoops of ice cream or too many Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I know that some of this may seem obvious to certain people- but for me, it took a while to get all of this. And oh boy, does it feel good! I still have very strong feelings for food and enjoy eating lots of chocolate; but the trick is now that I've got the jurisdiction with food. Food no longer has authority over me.

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude."
Maya Angelou


Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.
~Harriet Van Horne

sooooo big!

Aware

Aware
Every day we do things, we are things that have to do with peace. If we are aware of our life..., our way of looking at things, we will know how to make peace right in the moment, we are alive. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

the Lorax

"I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues" Dr Seuss

Peace Train• Yusuf Islam {Cat Stevens}