The mother's heart is the child's schoolroom ~ Henry Ward Beecher

The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children.~Jessica Lange

Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws.~Barbara Kingsolver

"just say yes- just say there's nothing is holding you back.."

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

- 4 years old -

Today you turn four, my lovable baby boy. Wasn’t it just a moment ago that I held you in my arms after the Dr.’s took you from my body? The second I saw your face and held you something in me said “I know you. I knew you’d be like this, I knew it”… for your heart matched mine. In the hospital the nurses against policy would let me hold you before I was to sleep late at night. When I was alone still recovering from surgery, you and I could just stare at one another for so long there in that dark room. I can remember every kick of your tiny feet within my belly as if it were yesterday. You were so big inside my tummy; pushing and stretching to make yourself room. Those hard kicks though tough, were joyous as I could feel you growing. Now I can watch you growing, becoming your own little person. Your sense of humor is a delight and contagious; your laughter gets Daddy every time, sending him into chuckles. I see my stubbornness in you too and it makes me giggle - with a touch of mommy annoyance. My baby, you recite lines from movies and shows just like me, your Dad and your Grandpa, its delectable. So many things I see in you are familiar and yet you are your own individual. We sit and listen with jubilation, to the sounds of you and your darling big brother in your rooms playing, wrestling, and being boys together. It makes me so happy to see how much you two love one another. You’re so strong and you make Daddy and me so proud with every song you sing, picture you color or book you love to share. I can’t help but feel weak with a tremendous sentimentality in your compassion for tiny bugs and how you always remember to say, “Excuse me.” Your constant need for cuddling and your wild, curly hair is all distinct to you baby, and we adore it. You are precious my love and I discover new things from you every single day. My dear Merek, you are pure joy. I wish everyone could see how at least once a day, you stop your activity so you can come over and gaze into my eyes. You smile awhile at me sweetly, as if to say, “I knew you’d be like this, mama.”

Happy Birthday baby, we love you so much.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

a new fight

I don't know where to start. When I think of ‘explaining' myself or my life I feel very angry and I want to yell at anyone who will stop and listen. But when I discontinue my bullshit- I remember how much I do need to open up and let some of this go -hence this post.......

As most of you know from earlier journals, my Mom has stage 4 colon cancer. She was operated on last year and had heavy doses of chemo up until the end of last year. The chemotherapy was running my Mom into the ground and with her cancer numbers down; the Drs finally thought it was a good time to stop or rather pause treatment. Since the cancer is stage 4 that means it has set up shop in other parts of my Mom's body, as in her lungs. Recently she's been coughing again, a lot. Hearing a once very healthy and still a vital person [in remission from breast cancer many, many years ago] - it is still hard to hear her catch her breath.

And so recently, my Mom's colonoscopy came back normal but her CAT scan did not. We just found out last week that her lungs look as they did before, almost if she hadn't had all that fucking chemo at all last year. Needless to say, it was a devastating blow- and that isn't even mentioning the spot on her liver that came up in the scan. The Dr isn't going to do a horrible surgery for the same outcome -she needs more chemo no matter what the results are, so let's not cut my poor Mom in half to double check.

They just started a new series of treatment. She has her chemo for a few hours then takes home her ‘bottle' which is attached to her port in her chest for another 24 hours of chemo. As always she is positive and yet painfully realistic. She said she knows there is no cure, she just wants to have more time.... Just typing this makes me feel like I can't breathe.... I have so much hate right now it's a constant battle not to let it overwhelm me. I am NOT ready for speeches on how to make my mood or outlook better. I know, I know.... - I must sound like a total bitch ...but I am hurting tremendously and it won't stop, the only time I hide it completely is in front of my mom and my kids ... but when I'm alone, I'm holding on to that's my protective armor.

written originally on 03/30/10

Saturday, April 24, 2010

50 Pounds later, Food and I broke up

50 Pounds

I think I got on the scale 3 or 4 times today to make sure I was reading the numbers right. I did it. I really did it. But how? How did I-- little old me, how did I loose 50 pounds?!?What?.... How can this be?... I love food--and I mean, I LOVE food. Up until recently, it was as if I was handcuffed to the clock, wondering when my next feeding was.

My mood or frame of mind could change with the idea or topic of what the subsequent meal was... well sometimes it still does excite me that much! My husband adores cooking and is fabulous at it; so when he says he's making his homemade refried beans and green chili- I'm instantly lighter, almost giddy. Oh my---isn't that sad? Ugh.. I feel silly saying that -but it's true. I've always been the one who is borderline, overly energized for birthday parties. Parties meant I get to eat cake-- ok forget the cake, I get to eat icing!!! So needless to say, but I'm a lick the bowl kind of gal. I grew up in a family that has desert at every meal for goodness sake. My family has eaten doughnuts or strudel as desert in the morning after having eggs, hash browns and sausage! Luckily, most of my family hasn't really ever had real concerns with weight. But for me, after but after babies and getting older, I can't eat like how I used to in my twenties.

Food has also been like a close friend to me as well. When I'm sad, chocolate has lent its beloved ear. Happiness has gone hand in hand with pizza for oh so many years. And mood swings along with hormones like clockwork, call out for late night bowls of cereal each month. I covered my pain with food and before I knew it I actually looked like what I ate; unhappy and unhealthy.

Nowadays I've since learned through my mom, my sister, my friends and wonderful Weight Watchers how to reward or console myself without food. It's remarkable how good it feels to put a new shirt in celebration - and not congratulate myself with three scoops of ice cream or too many Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I know that some of this may seem obvious to certain people- but for me, it took a while to get all of this. And oh boy, does it feel good! I still have very strong feelings for food and enjoy eating lots of chocolate; but the trick is now that I've got the jurisdiction with food. Food no longer has authority over me.

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude."
Maya Angelou

Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.
~Harriet Van Horne

sooooo big!


Every day we do things, we are things that have to do with peace. If we are aware of our life..., our way of looking at things, we will know how to make peace right in the moment, we are alive. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

the Lorax

"I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues" Dr Seuss

Peace Train• Yusuf Islam {Cat Stevens}