The mother's heart is the child's schoolroom ~ Henry Ward Beecher

The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children.~Jessica Lange

Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws.~Barbara Kingsolver

"just say yes- just say there's nothing is holding you back.."

Friday, July 31, 2009

Mama's Inspiration

Where do you find your inspiration? Is it from your mind alone~ or do outside sights and sounds around you stimulate and tickle your mind until you must speak?

I know I find a source of inspiration from many places; but especially my boys. Their voices tonight on our bed were enough to move me to amusement and pure delight. They love to watch a particular program each night, on the Sprout channel. The song they sang in glorious unison was “Kipper; the dog”. It lifted me up. I was moved so much I had to tell my husband of the sweetness he missed while at the store. Its funny how moments like that can make your whole life seem worthwhile. It’s as if every challenge I’ve ever faced along my path was all worth it just to hear that song.
Today was stressful, long and there were moments that I honestly wanted to scream out loud. But with a few choruses of “like a dog, like a dog, like a dog” changed all of that. I’ve started to do breathing exercises for relaxation and stress relief, even a bit of mediating as well…. I’m looking into these classes near us for more info. But today, it was the remedy of two beautiful souls that brought me utter release. And Mommy is so thankful ….

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Melanie ~

~ As of late, I've finally put some real effort into being healthy and loosing weight. Its an amazing feeling to decisively work on myself and know that I am actually in control of food and it's no longer in control of me. I still can't wait to eat most days, looking forward to each bite. But the difference is the meals I desire now don't involve grease, frying or powdered sugar. I don't think was even close to being aware of wonderful fiber was [besides the side effects I'm still getting use to]. Its amazing! It fills you up and carries you along your day.

But the point of this whole new revelation is about the person who trigged all of this; my sister Melanie. I couldn't and wouldn't be doing this without her. She's lost an incredible amount of weight and inspires me daily. She's so much healthier and fit now. And more importantly, she's happy. Her outlook makes me want to try harder. I can honestly say I don't think I'd be on this path if it wasn't for her. She motivates me constantly, sometimes just with the thought of her. I'm so proud of my sister Melanie and thankful that I have her blessed soul in my life.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Confessions from my double chin

Sometimes when I step into my closet, I glance around and it's as though I just got lost or if I just wandered into the neighbor's house... the shirts seem to be someone else's. And then it hits me,....I'm Fat. These shirts and skirts are very short and quite tiny and nowhere near the size of burlap sacks I wear now. And as I am well aware of these days, nothing matches Fat,...nothing looks good with Fat.

I know I know, I'm not supposed to actually talk about how fat I am. My husband cringes with even the slightest mention of "do I look ok honey?" But here I am.. Fat. Big Fat Fatty. I think of running into people I used to know and I panic. I did see one really close friend who have moved away after I had my kids and the look of shock on her face I can still see when I close my eyes at night. OHH and even worse than that, is buying food at the store when my family isn't with me. Total nightmare. I get the kids some sweets and I feel as though all eyes are on me, as if to say "are you gonna eat all of that, porky?!"

And you know what's sad; I used to love to shop and go out anytime, anywhere. I had some wonderful friends in my twenties and they used to tease me about who was watching me while we walked around. I held my head high. But of course, that stupid insecurity that has always kept me from being too confident or too secure popped up and then causing my head to swing low, and I would be defeated in a moment from nothing but my own issues. I finally can say that now, that it was my issue and not reality. Then, well... that's another story. Back then, I thought I was fat. Fat?!? {I'm laughing now... hold on...}

I wore a size 8 sometimes, or a 10. I'm a little over 5'8" and of medium build. At the time along with society's helping hand, I thought I was fat. OHH man,... I wish I could go back and slap myself. I was nuts! People I didn't know used to comment on my small waist line, all the time. And I'm not trying to be conceded with saying that; I'm just honestly trying to appreciate something that I didn't back then. Like I said, I was nuts. And now...{sigh} I couldn't get someone to notice my waistline unless I drew directions and had a power point presentation slide show of where it was in comparison to where it is now. And even then, my audience might gag. No kidding. I look at it now and it's got a life of its own.....Hence the title above; my tummy or that cute little pooch I had before is now known as the Roll, the mommy tummy. I speak of it like it's a part of the family. I warn my husband of it during love making... "Watch out for the Roll honey!!" {sexy right?}

I had two beautiful boys.. amazing boys in the past 5 years and I put on TONS of weight. I don't know what I was thinking.. or wait,.. I wasn't thinking,... not at all. I just ate. My pregnancies did not cause the weight. I did. I ate like a complete moose and stopped doing anything physical. I used to go out dancing 2 to 4 times a week. That's like cardio for at least seven hours a week... and all while I smoked. So I didn't smoke after my babies {thank you boys, mommy's so grateful!!!} and instead of a cigarette a choose doughnuts, cookies, candy bars and cake.

Anyway, here I am...Fat. I have double chins and a big fat Roll that sits here with me in my lap as I type this. And you know the funny thing; I think I'm better looking now than I ever was at a size 8, I really do....its beauty inside out. Now, I am aware of things other than me. I'm conscious of other people other than myself! It's brilliant! I'm brilliant! I'm so smart in the recognition of the beauty in my life. I'm learning and budding every glorious day I spend growing with my children. I try,.. I really do try, everyday to disregard the voices of society that echo words and photos of their opinion of true splendor. And in all honesty, I don't revel in showing off my double chin and the Roll, but I'm working on it. I really am. I have my issues and my crap days but.. I have my kids and therefore I now know true loveliness. And so I'm just thankful for what I've gone through to get here { if I wasn't a momma who got Fat would I have stopped to notice??}... And so slowly.. maybe at times too slow, I am working on flattening the Roll and losing the chin; for my kids, for my health and for me.

So,.......This past holiday season I worked part time, like I do every year. I really enjoy having time to get out and do something for me and earning some money for my family. And I have to admit, I take pleasure in getting all prettied up and havin some place to go! And when I had a co worker stop and stare at me in front of crowd of people and say "wow, ..You're really beautiful", it may have took a minute but then,.. I really felt like I was. I felt beautiful for being a mommy, for being so lucky to have my husband, for being at work, for knowing who I am and for being just who I am right now,... fat.

{{originally written 01.25.09}}

Thursday, July 16, 2009

mom 07.16.09

"Love is the light in your face, turned to the sky..."

~The March Violets

Saturday, June 20, 2009

A passage through growth … a mother’s contemplation of self

Today we had a wonderful occasion for my son’s 5th birthday. The joy in Kalel’s face when he saw his cake and gasps of air with each new present were gifts for both me and my husband. I didn’t know so much pleasure and peace could come from watching another person’s happiness until my children were bestowed upon me. Each day they grow and learn, I do so as well. I followed my folks by example at the start, but now I find I make my own rhymes and reason.
But just as slight ease and comfort settle in with my role of educator; I find that my engaging boys school me.
The birds that sing and snack on our deck some days, somehow seem speak the same language as my children. I attempt to understand the dialect, only realizing I had let magic of that argot slip through my fingers years ago. When did I lose it? Where did I lose it? Why did I stop seeing the beauty and ingenuousness in the world? –Was it just growing up or was it something else?....
The ‘old’ me full of selfishness and lack of responsibility doesn’t fit into my life as it is now, and letting go of that slight superlative has been difficult at times. But with that being said, the harmony and incantation with my old self I can bring along on this voyage. My mommy role is more blissful and satisfying than I ever could have imagined ….and yet some days balance does elude me, a struggle still to grow. This quote seems to sum it up, “The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.” {Barbara De Angleis].

My life these days, I feel sometimes lost ... or as though I’m simply still becoming. Ten years ago I might of said, ‘this is who I am, this is really me’ ~as if the the mold was set... but this is not so now. Today I feel as though I’m on a journey; I’m rediscovering life and myself. I used to feel that I couldn’t wait to ‘be’ something, but now,… I’m floating, I’m changing… I’m becoming every day, remembering the enchantment and delights in the world. My beautiful boys teach me about love and real sharing every moment of every day.

So, with loud laughter and blessed newness in each morning’s light, I know my fresh mind and path is paved by both my boy's hands. And its in days like this I am so thankful for the nuggets of guilelessness my boys deliver that are so joyfully aiding us all to become who we are meant to be.
With every magnificent lesson learned and each ridiculous mistake that’s made: gloriously this teacher becomes the student.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Living, loving, believing everyday [05.13.09]

Had to share this... its just how I feel today. :) My mother is being treated for cancer, a second time... and no matter what, we're not giving up... I still believe it can be OK.... these words here sum up how I feel right now.........


" Live. And Live Well. BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now. On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun. If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE. Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time. If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well. Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done-a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed. If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old's nose, don't be disgusted if the Kleenex didn't catch it all… because soon he'll be wiping his own. If you've recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well. At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you're eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift." ~by; Kyle Lake, Sermon

Friday, June 12, 2009

mom [02.28.09]

I took this amazingly long shower this afternoon. I just let the hot water run on my hair and body until I was red and my skin pruned… but I couldn’t wash the awful thoughts away. I sort of feel like I’m walking through some bullshit dream or rather, a nightmare and I can’t wake up. I have moments where I stop what I’m doing and I feel like I can’t breathe.
My mother got her results today after her procedure. She has stage 4 colon cancer… which has turned into a metastatic cancer in her lungs {thus why it is stage 4, it has spread}… the good news is that it is not in her liver or lymph nodes {as the CAT scan originally showed the other day}. The next step is for her to meet with her Oncologist and a surgeon about what the best course of action is…. surgery, chemo and radiation..but in what order, we don’t know yet.
The devastation of this is massive in my mind,…she is the center of our family,…she’s part of every memory I’ve ever had, she is the precious Grandmother of my two babies.…I feel myself slipping at times, starting to come unglued…. but I’m trying, trying to get a hold of myself and be positive, ..the way my mom is.
Speaking to her this afternoon on the phone, she sounded the way she always does. Her voice is always a mixture of song; sweet, light and gentle. If you met me in person you almost wouldn’t think she and I weren’t related. She’s so obviously kind and generous, even a stranger could see that. And me, well… I’m loud, silly and angry. I’m about 4 inches taller than her and I look more like my Dad, but after having my kids, I’ve tried so hard to be more like her. She’s always thinking of someone else, always. She’s funny, bright, soft spoken and loves to read. Everyone loves her, and I mean everyone. My husband has remarked many a time about her nature and the way she manages her life. She goes to work, {even thou retired}she cleans, bakes, cooks, goes to Church, volunteers and STILL takes care of my Dad in a old fashioned and utterly selfless way. Derek, my husband, says “They don’t make ‘em like your mom anymore.” And he’s right. She’s totally unique. She’s always quick to laugh and is very accepting of things she doesn’t necessarily agree with. Besides my husband, she’s my best friend. She’s always treated my brother, sister and I as if we were the most brilliant, interesting, gorgeous, talented children on the face of the Earth. She always made me feel as though I could do no wrong…even though I did, time and time again. But even then, she was always there, holding my hand, brushing the hair from my eyes while staring into my soul, telling me how much she loved me.
That’s why I always liked that song “Because you loved Me” by Celine Dion. My mom knows that’s my song for her. To me, it’s not a love song per say, it’s a song about love… but it’s a Mother’s love that I hear in those lyrics.
We’ve fought this enemy called cancer before, and she won. We just have to fight again. I’m scared. Every Dr. visit she has, I’m afraid of what else they have to tell us. I’m angry,..already,.. I am so fucking angry… I just don’t understand… I don’t get why such a completely amazing and utterly wonderful human being has to deal with this again!??! A piece of me is wants to shut down, … but I can’t, and I won’t. My kids already feel my pain and that’s not healthy for them. And I want to be strong, for my mom. I have to be… the way she always, always, always has been for me

sooooo big!


Every day we do things, we are things that have to do with peace. If we are aware of our life..., our way of looking at things, we will know how to make peace right in the moment, we are alive. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

the Lorax

"I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues" Dr Seuss

Peace Train• Yusuf Islam {Cat Stevens}