The mother's heart is the child's schoolroom ~ Henry Ward Beecher




The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children.~Jessica Lange




Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws.~Barbara Kingsolver



"just say yes- just say there's nothing is holding you back.."

Sunday, April 25, 2010

a new fight


I don't know where to start. When I think of ‘explaining' myself or my life I feel very angry and I want to yell at anyone who will stop and listen. But when I discontinue my bullshit- I remember how much I do need to open up and let some of this go -hence this post.......

As most of you know from earlier journals, my Mom has stage 4 colon cancer. She was operated on last year and had heavy doses of chemo up until the end of last year. The chemotherapy was running my Mom into the ground and with her cancer numbers down; the Drs finally thought it was a good time to stop or rather pause treatment. Since the cancer is stage 4 that means it has set up shop in other parts of my Mom's body, as in her lungs. Recently she's been coughing again, a lot. Hearing a once very healthy and still a vital person [in remission from breast cancer many, many years ago] - it is still hard to hear her catch her breath.

And so recently, my Mom's colonoscopy came back normal but her CAT scan did not. We just found out last week that her lungs look as they did before, almost if she hadn't had all that fucking chemo at all last year. Needless to say, it was a devastating blow- and that isn't even mentioning the spot on her liver that came up in the scan. The Dr isn't going to do a horrible surgery for the same outcome -she needs more chemo no matter what the results are, so let's not cut my poor Mom in half to double check.

They just started a new series of treatment. She has her chemo for a few hours then takes home her ‘bottle' which is attached to her port in her chest for another 24 hours of chemo. As always she is positive and yet painfully realistic. She said she knows there is no cure, she just wants to have more time.... Just typing this makes me feel like I can't breathe.... I have so much hate right now it's a constant battle not to let it overwhelm me. I am NOT ready for speeches on how to make my mood or outlook better. I know, I know.... - I must sound like a total bitch ...but I am hurting tremendously and it won't stop, the only time I hide it completely is in front of my mom and my kids ... but when I'm alone, I'm holding on to that anger....it's my protective armor.


written originally on 03/30/10

2 comments:

  1. Gosh Hon, I'm so sorry. My step-dad (who's really the only dad I have)is waiting for the results of his latest CAT scan as well. He's been going through chemo for over a year now. Had a spot on his liver as well. He has an ugly form of cancer they suspect was from working with asbestos on boats in the service in his younger years. The docs didn't think the chemo would work but so far so good. Except now he has a lot of pain in his back where his lungs are. It's so scary.
    I do understand your fears, your sadness, your pain. I also acknowledge that what you are experiencing is entirely different as it is your mother, not step-father.
    I worry about your anger though. Anger is a cover-up to what's really going on. Are you allowing yourself your sadness? Your pain? Are you verbalizing to your mother how scared you are and how much you love her?
    Darling, you need some healing yourself. If you need to talk, I am certainly here to listen. For now, lots and lots and lots of hugs to you.
    Prayers for your mother as well.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you dear for your support- its means everything right now. ♥ And yes, I tell her daily how I feel- I'm a pretty sappy person and I'm very open with her about my feelings- so yes, she knows. I just try not to go on and on with this in front of her...
    I've since gotten better in dealing with this since we first heard.
    Thank you again for your kindness. You're such a sweet soul. My prayers go out to your step dad- keep me posted ok?
    Much love to you my friend...
    xoox

    ReplyDelete

sooooo big!

Aware

Aware
Every day we do things, we are things that have to do with peace. If we are aware of our life..., our way of looking at things, we will know how to make peace right in the moment, we are alive. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

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