mom [02.28.09]

I took this amazingly long shower this afternoon. I just let the hot water run on my hair and body until I was red and my skin pruned… but I couldn’t wash the awful thoughts away. I sort of feel like I’m walking through some bullshit dream or rather, a nightmare and I can’t wake up. I have moments where I stop what I’m doing and I feel like I can’t breathe.
My mother got her results today after her procedure. She has stage 4 colon cancer… which has turned into a metastatic cancer in her lungs {thus why it is stage 4, it has spread}… the good news is that it is not in her liver or lymph nodes {as the CAT scan originally showed the other day}. The next step is for her to meet with her Oncologist and a surgeon about what the best course of action is…. surgery, chemo and radiation..but in what order, we don’t know yet.
The devastation of this is massive in my mind,…she is the center of our family,…she’s part of every memory I’ve ever had, she is the precious Grandmother of my two babies.…I feel myself slipping at times, starting to come unglued…. but I’m trying, trying to get a hold of myself and be positive, ..the way my mom is.
Speaking to her this afternoon on the phone, she sounded the way she always does. Her voice is always a mixture of song; sweet, light and gentle. If you met me in person you almost wouldn’t think she and I weren’t related. She’s so obviously kind and generous, even a stranger could see that. And me, well… I’m loud, silly and angry. I’m about 4 inches taller than her and I look more like my Dad, but after having my kids, I’ve tried so hard to be more like her. She’s always thinking of someone else, always. She’s funny, bright, soft spoken and loves to read. Everyone loves her, and I mean everyone. My husband has remarked many a time about her nature and the way she manages her life. She goes to work, {even thou retired}she cleans, bakes, cooks, goes to Church, volunteers and STILL takes care of my Dad in a old fashioned and utterly selfless way. Derek, my husband, says “They don’t make ‘em like your mom anymore.” And he’s right. She’s totally unique. She’s always quick to laugh and is very accepting of things she doesn’t necessarily agree with. Besides my husband, she’s my best friend. She’s always treated my brother, sister and I as if we were the most brilliant, interesting, gorgeous, talented children on the face of the Earth. She always made me feel as though I could do no wrong…even though I did, time and time again. But even then, she was always there, holding my hand, brushing the hair from my eyes while staring into my soul, telling me how much she loved me.
That’s why I always liked that song “Because you loved Me” by Celine Dion. My mom knows that’s my song for her. To me, it’s not a love song per say, it’s a song about love… but it’s a Mother’s love that I hear in those lyrics.
We’ve fought this enemy called cancer before, and she won. We just have to fight again. I’m scared. Every Dr. visit she has, I’m afraid of what else they have to tell us. I’m angry,..already,.. I am so fucking angry… I just don’t understand… I don’t get why such a completely amazing and utterly wonderful human being has to deal with this again!??! A piece of me is wants to shut down, … but I can’t, and I won’t. My kids already feel my pain and that’s not healthy for them. And I want to be strong, for my mom. I have to be… the way she always, always, always has been for me.