Confessions from my double chin

Sometimes when I step into my closet, I glance around and it's as though I just got lost or if I just wandered into the neighbor's house... the shirts seem to be someone else's. And then it hits me,....I'm Fat. These shirts and skirts are very short and quite tiny and nowhere near the size of burlap sacks I wear now. And as I am well aware of these days, nothing matches Fat,...nothing looks good with Fat.

I know I know, I'm not supposed to actually talk about how fat I am. My husband cringes with even the slightest mention of "do I look ok honey?" But here I am.. Fat. Big Fat Fatty. I think of running into people I used to know and I panic. I did see one really close friend who have moved away after I had my kids and the look of shock on her face I can still see when I close my eyes at night. OHH and even worse than that, is buying food at the store when my family isn't with me. Total nightmare. I get the kids some sweets and I feel as though all eyes are on me, as if to say "are you gonna eat all of that, porky?!"

And you know what's sad; I used to love to shop and go out anytime, anywhere. I had some wonderful friends in my twenties and they used to tease me about who was watching me while we walked around. I held my head high. But of course, that stupid insecurity that has always kept me from being too confident or too secure popped up and then causing my head to swing low, and I would be defeated in a moment from nothing but my own issues. I finally can say that now, that it was my issue and not reality. Then, well... that's another story. Back then, I thought I was fat. Fat?!? {I'm laughing now... hold on...}

I wore a size 8 sometimes, or a 10. I'm a little over 5'8" and of medium build. At the time along with society's helping hand, I thought I was fat. OHH man,... I wish I could go back and slap myself. I was nuts! People I didn't know used to comment on my small waist line, all the time. And I'm not trying to be conceded with saying that; I'm just honestly trying to appreciate something that I didn't back then. Like I said, I was nuts. And now...{sigh} I couldn't get someone to notice my waistline unless I drew directions and had a power point presentation slide show of where it was in comparison to where it is now. And even then, my audience might gag. No kidding. I look at it now and it's got a life of its own.....Hence the title above; my tummy or that cute little pooch I had before is now known as the Roll, the mommy tummy. I speak of it like it's a part of the family. I warn my husband of it during love making... "Watch out for the Roll honey!!" {sexy right?}

I had two beautiful boys.. amazing boys in the past 5 years and I put on TONS of weight. I don't know what I was thinking.. or wait,.. I wasn't thinking,... not at all. I just ate. My pregnancies did not cause the weight. I did. I ate like a complete moose and stopped doing anything physical. I used to go out dancing 2 to 4 times a week. That's like cardio for at least seven hours a week... and all while I smoked. So I didn't smoke after my babies {thank you boys, mommy's so grateful!!!} and instead of a cigarette a choose doughnuts, cookies, candy bars and cake.

Anyway, here I am...Fat. I have double chins and a big fat Roll that sits here with me in my lap as I type this. And you know the funny thing; I think I'm better looking now than I ever was at a size 8, I really do....its beauty inside out. Now, I am aware of things other than me. I'm conscious of other people other than myself! It's brilliant! I'm brilliant! I'm so smart in the recognition of the beauty in my life. I'm learning and budding every glorious day I spend growing with my children. I try,.. I really do try, everyday to disregard the voices of society that echo words and photos of their opinion of true splendor. And in all honesty, I don't revel in showing off my double chin and the Roll, but I'm working on it. I really am. I have my issues and my crap days but.. I have my kids and therefore I now know true loveliness. And so I'm just thankful for what I've gone through to get here { if I wasn't a momma who got Fat would I have stopped to notice??}... And so slowly.. maybe at times too slow, I am working on flattening the Roll and losing the chin; for my kids, for my health and for me.



So,.......This past holiday season I worked part time, like I do every year. I really enjoy having time to get out and do something for me and earning some money for my family. And I have to admit, I take pleasure in getting all prettied up and havin some place to go! And when I had a co worker stop and stare at me in front of crowd of people and say "wow, ..You're really beautiful", it may have took a minute but then,.. I really felt like I was. I felt beautiful for being a mommy, for being so lucky to have my husband, for being at work, for knowing who I am and for being just who I am right now,... fat.


{{originally written 01.25.09}}