as we blossom and grow

Your first day of 1st

2010-08-26T10:03:00.002-06:00

Call me sentimental, call me silly... but weren't you just a little, tiny baby? Wasn't it just yesterday that you laid in my arms, fitting perfectly while you slept? And wasn't it just last week that you were learning to crawl across your bedroom floor? Where does the time go? -I know it couldn't of been that long ago that you couldn't reach the bathroom sink without my help....
And now look at you, my sweet big boy- you're starting first grade. How can you be this much bigger already?
As I said before, where did the time go?! It feels that only a short time ago you were my baby and you were still learning to talk and walk.... Sometimes and some days its so hard to see you as my big guy-- but hey, I am working on it.

I know I'm sappy and I hang on you just a moment to long as I kiss you before your class walks in-- but I also aware that soon there will be a time that I won't get those kisses at school at all anymore.
I see you go into your classroom and I'm full of loving pride and yet, there is this complete sadness. I want to hold onto you and keep you with me always.... but I can't... I have to start to be as brave as you are.... and let go just a tiny bit. I'm trying, everyday I try.... but its hard and I feel this overprotective streak come out. But I'm workin on it honey...
What helps me is our walk every morning to and from school, those moments are totally joyful and so beautiful for your ol' syrupy mom. You are my heart walking right out of my chest-- so I can't help but feel pain there when you aren't right next to me.... but everyday, baby... I am workin on it....

Homeward Bound

2010-08-16T12:13:00.010-06:00

Finding the old saying “Home is where the heart is” was a practice in hard but real truths this summer. This journey has been both enlightening and extremely difficult as well. After my husband was laid off our situation changed drastically and we had to modify things very swiftly. We’ve always been a one income family with my job as a stay at home mom not paying what all of us mother’s would agree as a fair salary! My only income has been working for my sister caring for her kids or seasonal temp help around hubby’s schedule so the boys would never have to be in daycare. So with his earnings slowly trickling away after he was let go, we desperately looked for work but to no avail. We ended up having to put all of our belongings [that we didn’t sell] into storage and move into an extended stay hotel [thank goodness for unemployment!!]. It was a shock – a big one; we are actually ‘homeless’.
So thus began our expedition in finding our way back home. The most vital issue for Derek and I was making sure everything seemed ‘normal’ for the kids at every step. We never flipped out in front of them, trying not to make the move appear scary or as if it wasn’t just part of the plan all along. Each day has been a struggle but also a blessing as well. Our weeks have turned into months and we’ve discovered so many new things on our path.

With new challenges, each day Derek and I have created a fresh twist on life and we’ve all had to find the right course to make this work for us. With not much living space- the out of doors have become essential. Who knew there were so many recreation spots just in a 10 mile radius?! We’ve uncovered so many wonderful new parks it’s amazing! The boys have enjoyed this one spot the most that has a small lake, two huge playgrounds and basket ball courts to shoot hoops with Dada.

And I can’t believe how much I love the library all over again. I got caught up in the mundane, started bowing to the almighty television and really losing my love for books over the past few years. A brand new library opened up a few blocks from us and we were there only two days after its opening. The new books were pristine, dreamlike and endless- it was pure joy for all of us as we were almost running through the place gathering anything we could find. I’ve found such a center in reading again; it’s truly tranquil for me. And now programs that we have watched have been more family orientated and a time for us to laugh together and get close as we relax before bedtime. I think we’ve watched Mr. Mom and Willy Wonka a hundred times!

Cooking has had its ups and downs with what space we do have. I never thought I was ‘spoiled’ in having a dishwasher, disposal, some counter space or an oven but wow- I do now! I can’t believe how I took those things for granted before. But with that being said, with what we have here- we’ve created some great meals with a plug in cook top and microwave! It’s always interesting at dinner time here.

Our stay here has been fascinating as well, to say the least. Many men have commuted to Denver for work so they’re staying here for months until their jobs finish. These guys are in and out of the hotel at all hours and make a ton of racket- BUT for us that is a good thing; with two small kids, we don’t want to be the only noise makers! We’ve become friends with all the employees and chat with them often. I’ve never had the housekeeping clean for us except for new sheets and towels, the rest I still see that as ‘my job’. The small gym here has been magnificent and we use it almost daily, having another sacred point for reconnection to the hubby. It may sounds a bit silly or trite but I’m thankful for the xbox 360 [for the boys' games] on those days I needed more than a moment of peace and for our laptop and the free Internet; always keeping us connected to friends, family and to that job that Derek finally found.

We did find our new home last week and we’re moving this week so our oldest can start school next Monday [ugh, - sigh- public school… but that’s a whole different blog!]. We wanted to move to the other side of town, about 45 minutes away, to be nearer to my parents. During all of this upheaval and realization in our life, we learned that my mother’s health is faltering and her body isn’t accepting chemo anymore. So for us, the move closer to them was imperative.

This has been one of the hardest processes in my life. Making this transition seem ordinary for our boys was my main concern and although we’ve all struggled, I believe we’re better for it. My marriage is almost unrecognizable from what it was before and I’m beyond blissful for that. Derek being out of work was a blessing as well for he and the boys’ relationship is so much stronger, it’s just precious… as are most moments now spent together as a family.
I don’t think that had we lost so much, we might not have realized the abundance of what we really do have.

the boys in front of our new home--

*special thanks to my sister Melanie- without you I would burst... you are a gift to my head and my heart, I love you so very, very much. thank you for all that you've done.

Mom

2010-08-06T15:45:00.004-06:00

"Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children."
--William Makepeace Thackeray

You are part of almost every thought, every memory, every breath of my life. All I know and have learned is somehow seven degrees away from what you've always told me-- making you right all along. You've made me stronger than I ever thought I could be and more secure with all of my silly characteristics and endeavors. I don't think I ever would of wanted children if it weren't for your example of real, unending and unselfish love. For me, you are the walking model and expression of what a woman, wife, mother and human being should strive to be. I love you mom -I am thankful for your life every single day of mine.

It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it. ~From the television show The Golden Girls

sisters

2010-05-16T00:39:00.009-06:00

Is solace anywhere more comforting than in the arms of a sister. ~Alice Walker

You can kid the world. But not your sister. ~Charlotte Gray

Sisters is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship. ~Margaret Mead

Sisters are different flowers from the same garden. ~Author Unknown

Sisterhood is powerful. ~Robin Morgan

Our roots say we're sisters, our hearts say we're friends. ~Author Unknown

You keep your past by having sisters. As you get older, they're the only ones who don't get bored if you talk about your memories. ~Deborah Moggach

She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. ~Barbara Alpert

- 4 years old -

2010-04-27T23:08:00.004-06:00

Today you turn four, my lovable baby boy. Wasn’t it just a moment ago that I held you in my arms after the Dr.’s took you from my body? The second I saw your face and held you something in me said “I know you. I knew you’d be like this, I knew it”… for your heart matched mine. In the hospital the nurses against policy would let me hold you before I was to sleep late at night. When I was alone still recovering from surgery, you and I could just stare at one another for so long there in that dark room. I can remember every kick of your tiny feet within my belly as if it were yesterday. You were so big inside my tummy; pushing and stretching to make yourself room. Those hard kicks though tough, were joyous as I could feel you growing. Now I can watch you growing, becoming your own little person. Your sense of humor is a delight and contagious; your laughter gets Daddy every time, sending him into chuckles. I see my stubbornness in you too and it makes me giggle - with a touch of mommy annoyance. My baby, you recite lines from movies and shows just like me, your Dad and your Grandpa, its delectable. So many things I see in you are familiar and yet you are your own individual. We sit and listen with jubilation, to the sounds of you and your darling big brother in your rooms playing, wrestling, and being boys together. It makes me so happy to see how much you two love one another. You’re so strong and you make Daddy and me so proud with every song you sing, picture you color or book you love to share. I can’t help but feel weak with a tremendous sentimentality in your compassion for tiny bugs and how you always remember to say, “Excuse me.” Your constant need for cuddling and your wild, curly hair is all distinct to you baby, and we adore it. You are precious my love and I discover new things from you every single day. My dear Merek, you are pure joy. I wish everyone could see how at least once a day, you stop your activity so you can come over and gaze into my eyes. You smile awhile at me sweetly, as if to say, “I knew you’d be like this, mama.”

Happy Birthday baby, we love you so much.

a new fight

2010-04-25T00:37:00.002-06:00

I don't know where to start. When I think of ‘explaining' myself or my life I feel very angry and I want to yell at anyone who will stop and listen. But when I discontinue my bullshit- I remember how much I do need to open up and let some of this go -hence this post.......

As most of you know from earlier journals, my Mom has stage 4 colon cancer. She was operated on last year and had heavy doses of chemo up until the end of last year. The chemotherapy was running my Mom into the ground and with her cancer numbers down; the Drs finally thought it was a good time to stop or rather pause treatment. Since the cancer is stage 4 that means it has set up shop in other parts of my Mom's body, as in her lungs. Recently she's been coughing again, a lot. Hearing a once very healthy and still a vital person [in remission from breast cancer many, many years ago] - it is still hard to hear her catch her breath.

And so recently, my Mom's colonoscopy came back normal but her CAT scan did not. We just found out last week that her lungs look as they did before, almost if she hadn't had all that fucking chemo at all last year. Needless to say, it was a devastating blow- and that isn't even mentioning the spot on her liver that came up in the scan. The Dr isn't going to do a horrible surgery for the same outcome -she needs more chemo no matter what the results are, so let's not cut my poor Mom in half to double check.

They just started a new series of treatment. She has her chemo for a few hours then takes home her ‘bottle' which is attached to her port in her chest for another 24 hours of chemo. As always she is positive and yet painfully realistic. She said she knows there is no cure, she just wants to have more time.... Just typing this makes me feel like I can't breathe.... I have so much hate right now it's a constant battle not to let it overwhelm me. I am NOT ready for speeches on how to make my mood or outlook better. I know, I know.... - I must sound like a total bitch ...but I am hurting tremendously and it won't stop, the only time I hide it completely is in front of my mom and my kids ... but when I'm alone, I'm holding on to that anger....it's my protective armor.

written originally on 03/30/10

50 Pounds later, Food and I broke up

2010-04-24T13:38:00.002-06:00

50 Pounds

I think I got on the scale 3 or 4 times today to make sure I was reading the numbers right. I did it. I really did it. But how? How did I-- little old me, how did I loose 50 pounds?!?What?.... How can this be?... I love food--and I mean, I LOVE food. Up until recently, it was as if I was handcuffed to the clock, wondering when my next feeding was.

My mood or frame of mind could change with the idea or topic of what the subsequent meal was... well sometimes it still does excite me that much! My husband adores cooking and is fabulous at it; so when he says he's making his homemade refried beans and green chili- I'm instantly lighter, almost giddy. Oh my---isn't that sad? Ugh.. I feel silly saying that -but it's true. I've always been the one who is borderline, overly energized for birthday parties. Parties meant I get to eat cake-- ok forget the cake, I get to eat icing!!! So needless to say, but I'm a lick the bowl kind of gal. I grew up in a family that has desert at every meal for goodness sake. My family has eaten doughnuts or strudel as desert in the morning after having eggs, hash browns and sausage! Luckily, most of my family hasn't really ever had real concerns with weight. But for me, after but after babies and getting older, I can't eat like how I used to in my twenties.

Food has also been like a close friend to me as well. When I'm sad, chocolate has lent its beloved ear. Happiness has gone hand in hand with pizza for oh so many years. And mood swings along with hormones like clockwork, call out for late night bowls of cereal each month. I covered my pain with food and before I knew it I actually looked like what I ate; unhappy and unhealthy.

Nowadays I've since learned through my mom, my sister, my friends and wonderful Weight Watchers how to reward or console myself without food. It's remarkable how good it feels to put a new shirt in celebration - and not congratulate myself with three scoops of ice cream or too many Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I know that some of this may seem obvious to certain people- but for me, it took a while to get all of this. And oh boy, does it feel good! I still have very strong feelings for food and enjoy eating lots of chocolate; but the trick is now that I've got the jurisdiction with food. Food no longer has authority over me.

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude."
Maya Angelou

2010-04-24T13:31:00.005-06:00

Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.
~Harriet Van Horne

Mama's Inspiration

2009-07-31T21:35:00.004-06:00

Where do you find your inspiration? Is it from your mind alone~ or do outside sights and sounds around you stimulate and tickle your mind until you must speak?

I know I find a source of inspiration from many places; but especially my boys. Their voices tonight on our bed were enough to move me to amusement and pure delight. They love to watch a particular program each night, on the Sprout channel. The song they sang in glorious unison was “Kipper; the dog”. It lifted me up. I was moved so much I had to tell my husband of the sweetness he missed while at the store. Its funny how moments like that can make your whole life seem worthwhile. It’s as if every challenge I’ve ever faced along my path was all worth it just to hear that song.
Today was stressful, long and there were moments that I honestly wanted to scream out loud. But with a few choruses of “like a dog, like a dog, like a dog” changed all of that. I’ve started to do breathing exercises for relaxation and stress relief, even a bit of mediating as well…. I’m looking into these classes near us for more info. But today, it was the remedy of two beautiful souls that brought me utter release. And Mommy is so thankful ….

Melanie ~

2009-07-30T19:16:00.004-06:00

~ As of late, I've finally put some real effort into being healthy and loosing weight. Its an amazing feeling to decisively work on myself and know that I am actually in control of food and it's no longer in control of me. I still can't wait to eat most days, looking forward to each bite. But the difference is the meals I desire now don't involve grease, frying or powdered sugar. I don't think was even close to being aware of wonderful fiber was [besides the side effects I'm still getting use to]. Its amazing! It fills you up and carries you along your day.

But the point of this whole new revelation is about the person who trigged all of this; my sister Melanie. I couldn't and wouldn't be doing this without her. She's lost an incredible amount of weight and inspires me daily. She's so much healthier and fit now. And more importantly, she's happy. Her outlook makes me want to try harder. I can honestly say I don't think I'd be on this path if it wasn't for her. She motivates me constantly, sometimes just with the thought of her. I'm so proud of my sister Melanie and thankful that I have her blessed soul in my life.

Confessions from my double chin

2009-07-21T23:15:00.002-06:00

Sometimes when I step into my closet, I glance around and it's as though I just got lost or if I just wandered into the neighbor's house... the shirts seem to be someone else's. And then it hits me,....I'm Fat. These shirts and skirts are very short and quite tiny and nowhere near the size of burlap sacks I wear now. And as I am well aware of these days, nothing matches Fat,...nothing looks good with Fat.

I know I know, I'm not supposed to actually talk about how fat I am. My husband cringes with even the slightest mention of "do I look ok honey?" But here I am.. Fat. Big Fat Fatty. I think of running into people I used to know and I panic. I did see one really close friend who have moved away after I had my kids and the look of shock on her face I can still see when I close my eyes at night. OHH and even worse than that, is buying food at the store when my family isn't with me. Total nightmare. I get the kids some sweets and I feel as though all eyes are on me, as if to say "are you gonna eat all of that, porky?!"

And you know what's sad; I used to love to shop and go out anytime, anywhere. I had some wonderful friends in my twenties and they used to tease me about who was watching me while we walked around. I held my head high. But of course, that stupid insecurity that has always kept me from being too confident or too secure popped up and then causing my head to swing low, and I would be defeated in a moment from nothing but my own issues. I finally can say that now, that it was my issue and not reality. Then, well... that's another story. Back then, I thought I was fat. Fat?!? {I'm laughing now... hold on...}

I wore a size 8 sometimes, or a 10. I'm a little over 5'8" and of medium build. At the time along with society's helping hand, I thought I was fat. OHH man,... I wish I could go back and slap myself. I was nuts! People I didn't know used to comment on my small waist line, all the time. And I'm not trying to be conceded with saying that; I'm just honestly trying to appreciate something that I didn't back then. Like I said, I was nuts. And now...{sigh} I couldn't get someone to notice my waistline unless I drew directions and had a power point presentation slide show of where it was in comparison to where it is now. And even then, my audience might gag. No kidding. I look at it now and it's got a life of its own.....Hence the title above; my tummy or that cute little pooch I had before is now known as the Roll, the mommy tummy. I speak of it like it's a part of the family. I warn my husband of it during love making... "Watch out for the Roll honey!!" {sexy right?}

I had two beautiful boys.. amazing boys in the past 5 years and I put on TONS of weight. I don't know what I was thinking.. or wait,.. I wasn't thinking,... not at all. I just ate. My pregnancies did not cause the weight. I did. I ate like a complete moose and stopped doing anything physical. I used to go out dancing 2 to 4 times a week. That's like cardio for at least seven hours a week... and all while I smoked. So I didn't smoke after my babies {thank you boys, mommy's so grateful!!!} and instead of a cigarette a choose doughnuts, cookies, candy bars and cake.

Anyway, here I am...Fat. I have double chins and a big fat Roll that sits here with me in my lap as I type this. And you know the funny thing; I think I'm better looking now than I ever was at a size 8, I really do....its beauty inside out. Now, I am aware of things other than me. I'm conscious of other people other than myself! It's brilliant! I'm brilliant! I'm so smart in the recognition of the beauty in my life. I'm learning and budding every glorious day I spend growing with my children. I try,.. I really do try, everyday to disregard the voices of society that echo words and photos of their opinion of true splendor. And in all honesty, I don't revel in showing off my double chin and the Roll, but I'm working on it. I really am. I have my issues and my crap days but.. I have my kids and therefore I now know true loveliness. And so I'm just thankful for what I've gone through to get here { if I wasn't a momma who got Fat would I have stopped to notice??}... And so slowly.. maybe at times too slow, I am working on flattening the Roll and losing the chin; for my kids, for my health and for me.

So,.......This past holiday season I worked part time, like I do every year. I really enjoy having time to get out and do something for me and earning some money for my family. And I have to admit, I take pleasure in getting all prettied up and havin some place to go! And when I had a co worker stop and stare at me in front of crowd of people and say "wow, ..You're really beautiful", it may have took a minute but then,.. I really felt like I was. I felt beautiful for being a mommy, for being so lucky to have my husband, for being at work, for knowing who I am and for being just who I am right now,... fat.

{{originally written 01.25.09}}

mom 07.16.09

2009-07-16T22:41:00.003-06:00

"Love is the light in your face, turned to the sky..."

~The March Violets

A passage through growth … a mother’s contemplation of self

2009-06-20T22:21:00.008-06:00

Today we had a wonderful occasion for my son’s 5th birthday. The joy in Kalel’s face when he saw his cake and gasps of air with each new present were gifts for both me and my husband. I didn’t know so much pleasure and peace could come from watching another person’s happiness until my children were bestowed upon me. Each day they grow and learn, I do so as well. I followed my folks by example at the start, but now I find I make my own rhymes and reason.
But just as slight ease and comfort settle in with my role of educator; I find that my engaging boys school me.
The birds that sing and snack on our deck some days, somehow seem speak the same language as my children. I attempt to understand the dialect, only realizing I had let magic of that argot slip through my fingers years ago. When did I lose it? Where did I lose it? Why did I stop seeing the beauty and ingenuousness in the world? –Was it just growing up or was it something else?....
The ‘old’ me full of selfishness and lack of responsibility doesn’t fit into my life as it is now, and letting go of that slight superlative has been difficult at times. But with that being said, the harmony and incantation with my old self I can bring along on this voyage. My mommy role is more blissful and satisfying than I ever could have imagined ….and yet some days balance does elude me, a struggle still to grow. This quote seems to sum it up, “The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.” {Barbara De Angleis].

My life these days, I feel sometimes lost ... or as though I’m simply still becoming. Ten years ago I might of said, ‘this is who I am, this is really me’ ~as if the the mold was set... but this is not so now. Today I feel as though I’m on a journey; I’m rediscovering life and myself. I used to feel that I couldn’t wait to ‘be’ something, but now,… I’m floating, I’m changing… I’m becoming every day, remembering the enchantment and delights in the world. My beautiful boys teach me about love and real sharing every moment of every day.

So, with loud laughter and blessed newness in each morning’s light, I know my fresh mind and path is paved by both my boy's hands. And its in days like this I am so thankful for the nuggets of guilelessness my boys deliver that are so joyfully aiding us all to become who we are meant to be.
With every magnificent lesson learned and each ridiculous mistake that’s made: gloriously this teacher becomes the student.

Living, loving, believing everyday [05.13.09]

2009-06-13T00:37:00.002-06:00

Had to share this... its just how I feel today. :) My mother is being treated for cancer, a second time... and no matter what, we're not giving up... I still believe it can be OK.... these words here sum up how I feel right now.........

enjoy!

" Live. And Live Well. BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now. On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun. If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE. Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time. If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well. Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done-a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed. If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old's nose, don't be disgusted if the Kleenex didn't catch it all… because soon he'll be wiping his own. If you've recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well. At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you're eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift." ~by; Kyle Lake, Sermon

mom [02.28.09]

2009-06-12T20:50:00.003-06:00

I took this amazingly long shower this afternoon. I just let the hot water run on my hair and body until I was red and my skin pruned… but I couldn’t wash the awful thoughts away. I sort of feel like I’m walking through some bullshit dream or rather, a nightmare and I can’t wake up. I have moments where I stop what I’m doing and I feel like I can’t breathe.
My mother got her results today after her procedure. She has stage 4 colon cancer… which has turned into a metastatic cancer in her lungs {thus why it is stage 4, it has spread}… the good news is that it is not in her liver or lymph nodes {as the CAT scan originally showed the other day}. The next step is for her to meet with her Oncologist and a surgeon about what the best course of action is…. surgery, chemo and radiation..but in what order, we don’t know yet.
The devastation of this is massive in my mind,…she is the center of our family,…she’s part of every memory I’ve ever had, she is the precious Grandmother of my two babies.…I feel myself slipping at times, starting to come unglued…. but I’m trying, trying to get a hold of myself and be positive, ..the way my mom is.
Speaking to her this afternoon on the phone, she sounded the way she always does. Her voice is always a mixture of song; sweet, light and gentle. If you met me in person you almost wouldn’t think she and I weren’t related. She’s so obviously kind and generous, even a stranger could see that. And me, well… I’m loud, silly and angry. I’m about 4 inches taller than her and I look more like my Dad, but after having my kids, I’ve tried so hard to be more like her. She’s always thinking of someone else, always. She’s funny, bright, soft spoken and loves to read. Everyone loves her, and I mean everyone. My husband has remarked many a time about her nature and the way she manages her life. She goes to work, {even thou retired}she cleans, bakes, cooks, goes to Church, volunteers and STILL takes care of my Dad in a old fashioned and utterly selfless way. Derek, my husband, says “They don’t make ‘em like your mom anymore.” And he’s right. She’s totally unique. She’s always quick to laugh and is very accepting of things she doesn’t necessarily agree with. Besides my husband, she’s my best friend. She’s always treated my brother, sister and I as if we were the most brilliant, interesting, gorgeous, talented children on the face of the Earth. She always made me feel as though I could do no wrong…even though I did, time and time again. But even then, she was always there, holding my hand, brushing the hair from my eyes while staring into my soul, telling me how much she loved me.
That’s why I always liked that song “Because you loved Me” by Celine Dion. My mom knows that’s my song for her. To me, it’s not a love song per say, it’s a song about love… but it’s a Mother’s love that I hear in those lyrics.
We’ve fought this enemy called cancer before, and she won. We just have to fight again. I’m scared. Every Dr. visit she has, I’m afraid of what else they have to tell us. I’m angry,..already,.. I am so fucking angry… I just don’t understand… I don’t get why such a completely amazing and utterly wonderful human being has to deal with this again!??! A piece of me is wants to shut down, … but I can’t, and I won’t. My kids already feel my pain and that’s not healthy for them. And I want to be strong, for my mom. I have to be… the way she always, always, always has been for me.